Vintage Find

I wrote the following in March '09, before this gem of a blog began, wow almost 2 1/2 years ago. My friends not much has changed, it's not looking good..... The following was in response to a statistic posted in Juice, Des Moines' lackluster disgrace for hip information on the city.
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DATELESS LOSERS

Ok, so as if attempting to get a date in this city isn't hell enough, the Metro's fine periodical "Juice" had to go and publish the following statistic this week:

"In the four-county metro area 71 percent of people ages 25-34 are married. And that doesn't even count the people who are in relationships or have a live-in partner."

Thanks "Juice", thanks for that.

After I read this I sent a text to my roommate and my buddy Ryan. My roommate suggests to move from the city or to make the choice to become a crazy cat lady while Ryan replies with, "Holy shitters, and some of them have affairs so there are like 5 single people in Des Moines." Ryan later bring to my attention that the remaining 29% can be picked apart into several compartments, my scientific breakdown is as follows:

Let's begin by assuming that 50% of the remaining people are men and 50% are women (I'm being generous here by giving us all a 50/50 split)

Now, 50% of each of the remaining men and women are in serious relationships with each other, they just aren't classified as married.

So the real pool of contestants we are drawing from has dropped to a meager 14.5%.

Of this 14.5% Once again I will be generous and assume that 50% are men and 50% are women, so that leaves us singles with 7.25% of the metro population to choose from.

Of this 7.25% we find that 5% aren't interested in dating the opposite sex, but rather the same sex. These are the people I truly feel for because as you continue to read my breakdown you realize that their pool is a fraction of the pool those of us who are interested in dating the opposite sex get to choose from.

5% are un-dateable due to mental and physical barriers that will prevent them from ever having a relationship.

Another 10% are un-dateable because someone you know dated them or someone who knows someone dated them and you promised never to date them because of this.

20% have a large amount of "baggage" attached to them ranging from a divorce, to children, maybe an evil step-sister, credit card debt, emotionally attached to a previous relationship that ended several years back, felonies and the list goes on.
* please note that none of these factors make someone "undateable" I am simply using these factors as an illustration to find the most "free and unattached to date" people *

50% are plauged by general douche-baggieness and whatever the female equivalent of this is.

So that leaves us with 10% deemed "free and clear for a date".

Of this 10% you now are challenged to find the 1% bucket of people that you feel you are compatible with on topics such as intelligence, physical appearance, religion and politics.

Feelin' lucky? I didn't think so.

So let's run some actual numbers.

Rough population of the 4-county metro area is 550,000 14% of which are ages 25-34
TOTAL: 77,000

71% of them are married
TOTAL MARRIED: 54,670 TOTAL UNMARRIED: 22,330

Unmarried but in a relationship
TOTAL: 11,165 TOTAL SINGLE: 11,165 - 5,582 are men and 5,582 are women

Number not interested in dating opposite sex
280

Number un-dateable due to mental and physical barriers
280

Number un-dateable due to previous relations with someone who knows someone
558

Number with large amount of "baggage"
1116

Number of single douche-bags in the metro
2791

Number of those determined to be "free and clear for a date"
557

# of people that personally fit into your "mold"
6

I'll see you all at the animal shelter.